Atsumori Gourlay
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Post by Gourlay Atsumori on Sept 9, 2014 19:51:24 GMT -6
Togashi Yuta - Chunnibyo Demo Koi ga Shitai!
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#Name; Atsumori Gourlay (First, Last) #Age ;15 #Gender ; Male #Sexuality ; Heterosexual. #D.O.B. ; November 26, 1888 #Occupation ; Student #Year and class ; Class 1-A #Height ;5'6 #Weight ;130 Lbs. #Physique ; Lean, yet not very defined. #Hair color and style ; Ashen Brown. His hair is always in check and obedient, opting to have somewhat of a swish to the left where it parts. #Eye color ; Dull gunmetal gray #Other appearance details (optional) ; He always has a pleasant smile on his face. #Clothing styles ;Neat. Symmetric. Somewhat formal. #Personality ;To those who stand as unknowing bystanders, Atsumori is the perfect student. Smart, kind, fit, and somewhat popular. He tries his hardest at everything, even if his social skill are somewhat lacking. He has even registered himself as the class representative for class 1-A (Don't know if this is taken.) in order to uphold his standing. However, Atsumori has a secret. He is wearing a façade that runs so deep, even his parents don't know otherwise. He wants to fail.His life, as it is, has so much running on the factor of his success, his kindness, and his simple willingness to help others, that he fears, if he doesn't contain such a perfect composure, people will see him as a different person. In all honesty, he wouldn't mind such a thing he didn't have the fear that he does. The fear to let to of what he has now.Under his façade lies nothing but an insecure child. He now has so much running on him to be the perfect student, that anxiety has begun to take over. He thinks that, if he fails, if he finally floats down to those beside him, he will no longer have so much stress. Still, though, he keeps up his perfect composure, if only to please those around him. (It is still unbeknownst to all, even his doctor, that Generalized Anxiety Disorder was the cause of his worry.) #History ;Initially from a line of Scots who moved to Japan long ago, Atsumori lived with his father and mother in Hikarizaka. His mother was a simple nurse and his father an engineer. Throughout his life, he had a great connection with his parents, and they encouraged him to try hard in school. Such encouragement, led him to who he is today. His life was plenty peaceful, having spent a large amount of time with his grandparents when he was a child. He wasn't sheltered, not even in the slightest. Or at least, emotionally. His parents didn't think a veil that would be removed sooner or later should hide the cruelness of the world, so they didn't construct it in the first place. They weren't mean people, just...odd ones. Still, his life continued on without event. During the last year of his grade school, however, things changed drastically. It was nearing the time for end-of-the-year tests to take place, and Atsumori was still on the mindset of failure. Even if the content wasn't hard what if something happened. What if he got sick and missed the tests. He knew he couldn't handle the stress of making them up. Or, perhaps, he could make enough careless mistakes to fail. At the time, he had forgotten to take his medicine, so his worry intensified monumentally. And, on the day of testing, the stress proved to be too much. He broke. Atsumori himself didn't have very much memory of the day, though others did. He had essentially, a few moments before the test, curled up into a small ball and begun whimpering. Seeing this from such a prominent student in the classroom had shocked both the students and the teacher. Needless to say, the memory was etched into their minds. His parents, still oblivious to the magnitude of his problem, hadn't wanted to send him back to a school that had memory of the event. So under their want, and Atusmori's, he applied for Hikarizaka private school, where he was accepted. It was also around this time that he picked up the pastime of drawing, soon discovering that he was adept with the subject. He began to carry around a small notebook that of which held an amount of drawings. He he was transferred into Hikarizaka for his first high school year on the basis of grades and recommendations. There he is the class representative of 1-A (Still don't know if it's taken) where he continues his life, under the guidance of a middle class family. The Roleplayer's Corner #Nickname ; Last #Age ; 15 #Gender ; Male #Seen the anime/played the visual novel? ; I've seen the anime about four months ago, and have played about half of Tomoyo's route. #How did you find us? ; Just looked for a Clannad RP on the web. #Sample RP ;As Atsumori made his way through the darkened streets of the city, he could only brace himself as he turned down one of the darker alleyways on the street. It wasn't his most liked option, though it did shave off about half of his travel's time. He always hated it, though, and was reminded of the reason constantly as the shadows obscured any visible objects. He could do nothing but accept the feeling of anxiousness as he continued down the alley. Even though there had been no incidents before, he still couldn't help but keep on his guard. He actually made it about halfway down the alley before any complications. Well, he wouldn't really call footsteps a complication, more than an uncertainty. As such, he spun around on his heel, only for his vision to meet, unsurprisingly, absolute darkness. The footsteps stopped as soon as he did. He took a step. A single step resounded throughout the alley a few moments later. He took another. Two more steps sounded out. In fear, he darted off in the opposite direction. In response, the steps shot off after him. Attachments:
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Post by Densetsu Karu on Sept 10, 2014 13:24:11 GMT -6
The following is what I would say if we were still a thriving site. You are free to not make any changes and still continue to stick around and roleplay as you please. But, if you do work towards an "official Fuko approval" I will certainly appreciate the effort, and I will gladly work with you to that point if you wish.Greetings, thank you for applying here. I know Vivo (Okazaki) said he would review this, but he's a little busy at the moment and we more or less agree on the points I plan to go over anyway.
There are some things we'd like you to fix up before we can approve this character.
First and foremost is the personality section. You have a good basis so far, but I'd like to see you expand some more on what makes your character tick. Truly enter your character's mind, go over what flaws and strengths they have. One's personality is what makes a character a character, after all. It's important to go into detail over their core.
Now, as for your history, I raise a question: is the trauma of losing a father absolutely necessary to your character? Events such as these truly change a person, so I hope you aware of the effects such a thing would have on your character. I'm not saying you need to remove it, but before you run with it, make sure you are 100% sure that you can accurately portray how this event has affected your character. As long as you're sure, I have no qualms with it. (Though maybe the circumstances could get a touch-up? What, er, exactly happened to lead to his father's death?) Also, this is a good opportunity to add something to the personality section; information about how this event has changed your character's outlook and behaviour.
Here on Dango Daikazoku we use a third-person, past-tense writing style. An explanation:
This is more for RP flow over personal preference as a 1st person writing style firmly implants the character as the central focal point of the narrative. Anything and everything that occurs is through there eyes and perceptions. This makes it jarring to read when switching from character to character (multiple 1st person RPers RPing together) and even more so when switching from one character in first person to another in third person. When everyone RPs in third person the narrative flows a bit smoother as you see the actions of every character from a more impartial standpoint. You can still keep all of the thoughts/feelings/actions as you would via first person but avoid the jarring disconnect from post to post.
Now, I realize that if you've been lurking a lot, you'll have seen writing in other perspectives. You could call this a "new rule," based on said writing in the past. We've tried to run with first-person or present-tense styles, but the inconsistency breaks the narrative. So, this is the standard style we have decided to use. I realize this may be a bit difficult to get used to, but I trust that you will be able to adapt. I am more than willing to offer advice or examples on how to handle third-person past-tense if you need it, so don't be afraid to ask.
That concludes the major stuff. I have a few smaller things to mention, but they shan't take too long to fix:
- Characters here use FCs (face claims) as ways to bring a visual aspect to original characters who have no anime appearance. For example, in my application, I have an image of my face claim and their name and series directly underneath. Please select a suitable face claim that you believe can represent your character, then add it to your application and avatar.
- This is an optional stylistic thing, so you are free to ignore it. But if you would like the sections of your app to look cleaner, add [ b ] and [ /b ] (without spaces) around the categories. As I said, this is optional, but it makes your application easier to read. For an example:
[/b] Atsumori Gourlay (First, Last) #Age ; 16 #Gender ; Male #Sexuality ; Straight #D.O.B. ; November 26, 1990 #Occupation ; Student #Year and class ; Class 1-A[/quote] [li]The current year that Dango Daikazoku is in is 2003, which is when Clannad is believed to have taken place. As such, to match your character's age (16) with the year, please change your birth year to 1887.[/li][/ul] That's about it. I hope this post doesn't dishearten you. I'll admit, we are a bit on the tougher side when it comes to roleplaying, but that is because we truly believe in storytelling and the use of roleplaying to improve one's writing skills. I see that you have a lot of potential, so I do hope you will try again and make the changes I have mentioned. I am looking forward to your revised application, friend. Thank you again for you time and energy. It is truly a pleasure.[/blockquote]
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Post by Gourlay Atsumori on Sept 10, 2014 17:28:01 GMT -6
That"s fine, I understand. I'll admit, this character was originally from a large list of, haphazardly, jotted down ideas for characters. Because of that, I hadn't really had a definite parameter set for him, and only a personality for before his father died. So, I go over what you said and edit this, thanks for the tip.
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Post by Okazaki Tomoya on Sept 10, 2014 21:01:06 GMT -6
Just to clarify, is this character exclusively a part of the thread you made under World Line Divergence? If so you don't need a character app (though feel free to have one). I ask because our reviewing is based heavily on that. To fit into the over all universe and theme of Clannad a lot of your would actually clash and I could go in depth about these things, but if this character is exclusively for the World Line Convergence area then *almost* anything is free game. Also expect a reply to that thread.
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Post by Gourlay Atsumori on Sept 11, 2014 4:58:24 GMT -6
I do plan on using this for the canon universe as well, so could you please point things I need to correct it.
And might I ask how I can expect a reply in the post, you're making me hopeful.
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Post by Okazaki Tomoya on Sept 12, 2014 22:56:09 GMT -6
(Again, this is how your App would be reviewed if we were still running. As is, since you've only posted a thread in the World Line Convergence thread you are free to continue that RP however you choose, even with the same character you have here. Ultimately Karu and I are here to try and help though - after all that's the whole point of this process) Okay, I just want to start off by saying thank you for applying! It's been a while since I've had to do this. For ease of readability, I'm going to split up the review process between the actual App and the role-play sample and treat them as separate entities. So without further ado here we go: So some readability would be very helpful here. For example let's take a look at the first part of your personality section: "To outsiders,once, he was quiet and stern, always paying attention in class and conversations. However, quickly after getting to know him, he became much more unruly and odd. Finally, after becoming good friends with him, he would have given a large amount of trust and loyalty to you" I can see what you're going for here, but the message is a bit confused and the perspective flip flops a bit. Perhaps wording it like this would be easier to understand "To strangers he seems to be a quiet, stern, and attentive student in class and in conversations. However after getting to know him more closely he is revealed to be more unruly and perhaps even odd. If one can get past this and become even closer to him it means that person has earned his trust and loyalty." That was far from perfect, but hopefully you get the drift. Really try and work on cleaning up the entire app in this way. Now let's look at the character. I can understand what you're getting at, but I have to ask - do you truly feel this history is necessary? I don't mean any offense by this question, but let's look at the world of Clannad. It's a pretty peaceful place...honestly. Even the gang members aren't so violent where people are regularly killed. If your character were to enter this world, how would things ultimately play out? He's very depressed and, as you say, he has the eyes of an emotion-less anime character. This would likely make him difficult to approach, which would then make it hard for anyone to interact with him. If this weren't an issue enough, it seems anyone who befriends him will have to deal with his bloody history - something most people never come close to experiencing. Such a thing could be heavily traumatic for a character, and it's likely most others would be careful to involve themselves. If you don't mind me asking, why did you create this character in the way that you did? If you wanted a character that has suddenly become depressed due to a traumatic event, there are much less dramatic ways for this occur. If instead you wanted a character to have a very difficult past, again there are ways to do this where it is less dramatic. Here at Dango Daikazoku, and probably something that can be applied to all role-playing, is that the character you start out with doesn't have to be all that interesting. In fact, the less interesting the better. No really! That's the whole joy of Roleplaying. Having your character learn, grow, and develop as he interacts with others. At the moment it seems like his life has pretty much played out. His past has broken him and now it's coming back to finish the job. Perhaps in a different universe this would be an ideal story, but in the world of Clannad I'm not sure any characters could deal with that, much less anyone still here. I'm not here to tell you to make your character super bland and boring...but rather then trying to make a character that has a some traumatic event that changes them forever or something, try making a more basic character that has merits for being...well, alive. We don't love Kotomi because her parents died when she was young. We love her because of her inquisitive nature, child-like innocence, and odd eccentricities. That's primarily what this site and what it's characters are. They may not be the most interesting beings on paper...but that's okay, because when you actually talk to them and get to know them you realize how interesting they are as PEOPLE and you want to role-play more and more to get to know them. So now on to the RP! Formatting could be worked on here, as there's a lot of single lines with spaces in between for seemingly no reason. I definitely do like what I see here though, but what I said before can still apply here. Just try and work on cleaning it up and refining it. Take as long as you need to write a post and try to make it as perfect as you can, then the true merit of your writing can shine even brighter. Otherwise it won't shine as bright as it could and that would be a REAL shame. Ultimately this post actually makes me a bit excited as I believe you do have some honest to real potential. Just keep working on it would be my advice
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Post by Gourlay Atsumori on Sept 13, 2014 9:48:03 GMT -6
I suppose you're right. In all honesty, I had been contemplating changing it from the moment I posted it. As I said before, this character came from a list of jotted down ideas, as it had stood out the most. I shall rework this character now.
As for the roleplay, I will attempt to format it to a better standard from here on. Thank you.
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Post by Densetsu Karu on Sept 13, 2014 16:18:53 GMT -6
Ah, thank you for making those changes. We're not quite done, but I can safely say that your character feels better within Clannad's universe. We're on the right track.
I like what you have going here for your character; it seems unique and will probably be interesting to roleplay. Really, all I have left to ask here is that you elaborate a bit more on the personality and history sections. To be more specific, I'd like to know the reason that he has this "failure" goal and his anxiety, as well as what his life was like prior to Hikarizaka. Provide some more details and that should be everything we'll need for approval.
Good luck with your revisions!
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Post by Gourlay Atsumori on Sept 13, 2014 18:13:21 GMT -6
That should be good. Please tell me of anything else. I may need to correct
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Post by Densetsu Karu on Sept 13, 2014 19:24:11 GMT -6
Vivo and I are both pleased with what you have here. Thank you for working so hard to improve your character! And congratulations, Last, for your character's creation... I'm looking forward to what he will become. So, it is with great pleasure that I grant you "official Fuko approval."
(You became the official member of a "dead" site. That's quite a feat in of itself... Also, class representative for 1-A isn't taken, so feel free to take it.)
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Post by Gourlay Atsumori on Sept 13, 2014 19:29:11 GMT -6
Fuuko has approved of me! It is a time to rejoice!
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