Furukawa Nagisa
female
Deleted Account
In-Character Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 0:06:49 GMT -6
||| NAGISA FURUKAWA |||
Basic Information #Name ; #Age ; 18 #Gender ; Female #Sexuality ; Heterosexual #Year and class ; 3-B
#Sample RP ;
Just find more happy things. These words rang in her head at night, laid on her side as she stared at the words on paper before her, however her mind is focused on Okazakis, and they managed to plant a soft smile over her rosy lips. Tomoya Okazaki. Nagisa didn't understand why he constantly insisted on helping her, or why he was so kind as to waste time following after her abnormal endeavors. She appreciated it regardless. She shifted her gaze from the play script clutched in her hands and she glanced out of the window. Her eyes met the familiar faces of the trees she had grown up with across the road, the streetlamp cast its warmth over their nightly reunion. A small giggle sliped by Nagisas lips at her dramatic narration when all of a sudden she noticed a new character to the scene. Tomoya Okazaki.
Okazaki wasn't even looking in her direction, rather he was bent over, heaving. She bet it was from running, but teenage boys didn’t usually run at this time do they? He had caused her worry on countless occasions, sometimes with his harsh unfiltered wording and sometimes it was because of situations like the one unfolding before her hazy eyes. She was quick to dash downstairs, barely flicking the bakery's lights on as she padded outside barefoot, clad in her nightgown. For once she didn't ponder over her parent’s whereabouts or sleeping status.
"Okazaki-san, are you alright?" She was well aware of how stupid her question was, but it was still formality to ask. She didn’t want to be too intrusive. The boy let out a shaky breath, sweat beading his forehead as her heart went into overdrive while she held him from under his arm. "Come, sit down." As she led the lonesome boy to a nearby bench she noticed the moon was in its crescent shape, not enough to reflect light but the streetlights made up for it. His cheeks were tinted red from the sport. Nagisa's shyness had never changed, even then as she shuffled quietly beside him until his breathing steadied. This is Tomoya Okazaki, the one who helped her try and achieve her goals; the boy who never questioned why she pushed herself away for the better of others but still fretted over her; someone who should be nothing but a stranger to her yet now escaped to her home by second nature.
"I'm- fine." They both knew he was lying but before she could counter, he continued. "I just went for a walk and lost track of time." Why wouldn’t he let her worry about him? "it's midnight, Okazaki-san." Her default concerned tone came into play. "Why are you still up then?" Typical of him to turn this onto her, and her face shaded the same colour as his but for completely different reasons.
"I was thinking..." It is the truth, every night she pondered over the events on the Hill that lead her to carry on a much more eventful life on school campus. "What about?" You. "It's.. Nothing, really!" Nagisa's voice squeaked, he gave her a look showing that he didn’t believe her yet for once he didn’t press on the issue. Tonight, he was quiet and Nagisa ccould just feel the distance radiate off him in waves, the emptiness of the bleak world clouding over his shoulders. She wished she ccould do something to help him, but the blue haired youth had always been a distant star in this universe. She never knews how to tread around him, always tiptoeing the eggshells. Out of everyone that Nagisa desired to help and understand, Tomoya was top of the list, yet he never lets her in. He never allowed the spotlight to shine on himself too long. He was a driving force in her world but when she tried to enter his, he simply stills. Maybe Nagisa wasn't the one to be helping him and that thought distressed her. When she heard of the girls Youhei claimed he liked, she knew with certainty she could never become such so she simply watched from the sidelines. Hoping, her legs now pulled up towards her chest, that one of the girls strung along their journey would be the one to crack the mysteries of Tomoya Okazaki.
"I wish you could see the stars," skinny arms wrapped around her bare knees, "I bet they're beautiful, don’t you think Okazaki-san?" "They're just balls of hot gas in my opinio-" A gush of blew over their lethargic bodies causing Nagisa to sneeze. Okazaki gave her an apologetic look. "Let's get you inside." "Wait- No! I'm okay, I swear!" She didn’t want to move from their spot on the bench. Sat right next to each other enough to feel the heat radiating from the other's body. She inhaled sharply and reached out, taking a hold of his hand, blood rushed to her face. Holding her breath for a second, the petite girl glanced up at him to ensure her actions were accptable. She had no idea of what she wanted, but she couldn't deny the warmth that invaded her chest when he looked at her with that expression even if to others it seems blank, she sensed it means something. She hoped. They sat there, her fingers entwined with his, she gave his hand a small squeeze. He didn't have to be alone anymore. He didn’t complain. He didn't say anything. Did that mean it was okay? It's nerve-wracking for her, but calming at the same time. A gentle breeze tugged at her loose locks of hair as she tilted her face up to the nights sky, catching sight of two stars that twinkled in the distance. Was he feeling calm too?
The Roleplayer's Corner
#Nickname ; Lia #Age (optional) ; 18 #Gender (optional) ; Female #Ever roleplayed before? ; Yes #Other Characters (if any) ; None #Seen the anime/played the visual novel? ; Watched the anime #How did you find us? ; the magic of google
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Post by Densetsu Karu on Aug 22, 2017 11:49:24 GMT -6
Hello, and welcome! I'm glad to see another canon around here, considering how few of them we actually have...!
So, overall, you have a lot of substance here. You focus a lot on Nagisa's thoughts and feelings, which is a good sign of your skills as a long-form roleplayer! Before we approve you for Trial Mode, I do have a few things to note.
Firstly, while I enjoy your writing style, I think you leave a few things a little unclear when it comes to physical descriptions. When Nagisa tells Tomoya to sit down, you don't describe that they sit at a bench, so I was picturing them sitting on the ground until suddenly a bench is mentioned a few paragraphs later. Similarly, the position they end up in at the end of your sample is a bit hard to follow because of how it is described.
I would also like to note that we follow Japanese naming convention. In Japanese, names are given family first, given name last -- such as "Okazaki Tomoya". When speaking to each other, acquaintances and strangers will use their family names. The given name is reserved only for friends or family, and even then is usually given an honourific (such as "Tomoya-kun"). In your sample, Nagisa's relation to Tomoya is a bit unclear because how she refers to Tomoya changes between cases, so I would like to ask that you make sure the name she uses for him is consistent.
Another thing to keep in mind is tense. On Dango Daikazoku, we use third-person past tense. You have third person down fine but we would like to how your write in past tense. The reason we ask for this is so that everything on the site reads in the same "voice", so to speak.
Lastly, please make sure you use line breaks between paragraphs so that your text is easier to read.
That is all I have for review. Overall, your application is very high in quality and I'm are overjoyed to have someone with so much potential sign up for our site! I thank you for your time, and I hope we can approve you soon. Vivo also wanted to add a few things, so I'll take another look at your application after he has had his say and you've finished the subsequent edits. :3c
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Post by Okazaki Tomoya on Aug 22, 2017 12:48:57 GMT -6
Hi Bloo,
Before giving my thoughts on your application I'd just like to overstate how thrilled we are to have you here. Not only has your presence seemed to pump some new spirit into this place, but you are applying for a canon which is honestly very exciting for me to see (at the moment I'm the only canon character RPer on this site). Thanks for applying and I honestly hope you join our family. After reading your post I have a lot of praise and a bit of criticism. I'm going to start with the praise because, in my opinion, the good parts here are more valuable then the criticism. So without further ado...
The Good: I think you have a handle on the most important part of playing a canon character and that's having a good grasp on the character as well as the relationships they share with others. You also communicate that understanding well through your writing (and this is particularly exciting for me to read). Allow me to gush just a little bit at some parts of your post. I like the part where Nagisa is aware of how silly her question is, yet sticks with it for the sake of being formal. I like how the dialogue goes and how she's immediately aware of how Tomoya turns it around towards her. The entire paragraph that begins with "It's..Nothing, really!" is fantastic, properly conveying the distance between Tomoya and Nagisa and how much Nagisa not only recognizes that, but frustrates her. If anything I could make the argument that Nagisa is almost too intelligent in this post, however I feel Nagisa was always very empathetic and fairly perceptive, so that argument could go either way. Personally I think you played her well. No complaints there.
The Bad: Legend brought up a few points here and I have to agree with what he said. There were quite a few areas in your post I couldn't envision in my head. Even after re-reading it many times I wasn't completely sure what was going on. This could either be due to changing tenses between present and past, or merely a typo. One recommendation I would have for this is to simply re-read your post from beginning to end and ensure that, if a stranger were to read this, would they be able to understand everything? These sections were particularly frustrating to me because I feel like your writing would have a good flow to it if it wasn't interrupted with the many smaller errors and more confusing parts. I can't enjoy your writing as much as I want to.
Before I depart, I want to give some a bit of context to how I view all of this. I've seen a lot of RPers in my day. Some who write perfectly and eloquently with tons of prose...but by the end they lack any real substance. Others who are decent writers but are playing a canon poorly, or completely out of character. Both of these things are not easily fixable. It's not easy to teach someone how to have substance in a post. This requires understanding character depth and development and so much more. This also applies for a canon. I think you have the opposite problem...and that's very exciting for me because I believe this is something that very much can be fixed. I earnestly hope you don't feel discouraged from these reviews because we are actually very excited to have you here.
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Deleted Account
In-Character Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2017 23:40:41 GMT -6
done!
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Post by Okazaki Tomoya on Aug 27, 2017 0:26:14 GMT -6
Just some comments about your post. First I want to give you a link that might help your overall writing:
menwithpens.ca/how-to-add-flow-to-writing/
In the interest of not seeming extraordinarily lazy (which I can be, so don't get any ideas that I'm not), I'll explain my take on it. Personally I think flow is one of the most important qualities you can have in writing. With flow, you can make the simple and mundane easy and accessible. Even with very complicated ideas and wording...with proper flow, it can make these things both manageable and beautiful. Just to give one very good example...Twilight.
I personally hate this book for more reasons then one, but the most relevant reason for this review is that it is very poorly written. Yet it's earned world-wide fame. How? The sparkly vampires help I'm sure, but the book has such good flow that, despite it's simplicity and the fact that it's just...bad, it's easy to read and people aren't apt to put it down. With flow, theoretically, you can be a terrible writer and still captivate millions.
I've posted the above before, but I am posting it here now because I really want to stress how important it is and how much of a difference it can make to the reader when reading your post. If you don't mind, I'd like to take a paragraph of yours and change it up a bit to demonstrate what "flow" might look like. You are free to completely reject this piece of writing, as your writing is your own and it is fairly rude of me to change it for you, but know that I am only doing it to try and convey what I mean by flow in the context of your post. I am in, no way, trying to get you to role-play like me or change your style to emulate mine - this is simply an example of what one form of "flow" can look like.
I ended up changing more then I expected (sorry). Though it's not perfect, what I want to convey here is a rhythm. As you read this you should be able to follow along with what's happening without ever having to really stop or start over anywhere. The content should also flow together smoothly, so that a new topic only begins when one ends cleanly. For example, in the first line I introduce Tomoya's words as well as the words from the script. Initially this is confusing, so in the next line I elaborate on this by explaining the visual words are from a play and the mental ones are from a memory of a certain boy. When Nagisa ponders Tomoya's action I add in another question so as to give it a bit more significance. Like she's spending a moment or two thinking on it. I moved the smile and the appreciative line so as to link the two together and show that she smiled because of how appreciative she was towards him. I also had her look towards the window sooner to end the scene with the script and lead into the scene where she describes the outside world, with the smile and appreciation being the gateway to smoothly facilitate that.
Hoo. Okay. Wow. I kind of regret breaking it all down like that because I feel like I'm draining the magic from everything. I would honestly just delete that last paragraph if it didn't take me so long to type up. This kind of thing takes practice and the way you execute it will not look like mine. I don't even want your style to look like mine, as every RPer's individual style and creativity is what makes RP so amazing to begin with. Hopefully you understood some of this - but if not, feel free to ask me questions any time. Consider this your homework for the future
Approved for Trial Mode
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