Hayashi Yuki
Inactive Character
Let's do this!
In-Character Posts: 15
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Post by Hayashi Yuki on Nov 14, 2015 8:11:17 GMT -6
Please see the below post for my character application! I will accept constructive criticism, so please feel free to give me some! ^_^ (Simply being rude and harsh with no advice whatsoever will not be accepted, though. -_-)
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Hayashi Yuki
Inactive Character
Let's do this!
In-Character Posts: 15
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Post by Hayashi Yuki on Nov 16, 2015 11:27:53 GMT -6
||| Yuki Hayashi|||
#Name ; Hayashi Yuki (Given name - Yuki; Surname - Hayashi) #Age ; 15 #Gender ; Male #Sexuality ; Heterosexual (As far as he knows, he hasn't experienced love but feels he would probably end up with a girl, if anyone.) #D.O.B. ; August 22, 1987 #Occupation ; 1st Year Student at Hikarizaka High #Year and class ; 1st Year Class B (Class 1-B, same one as Fuukami Haruka)
#Height ; 165cm (5' 5") #Weight ; 52kg #Physique ; Yuki is scrawny, with not much muscle. He is actually slightly under the average weight and height for his age, although he is fast at running despite his frail looks, yet not quite agile enough to win a competitive race, preferring to take it easy and only use his speed when he deems it necessary. #Hair color and style ; Titanium white with bangs that cover the bridge of his nose. #Eye color ; Light Crimson #Other appearance details (optional) ; #Clothing styles ; In school Yuki wears the uniform as per the regulations. He always keeps his blazer closed, unlike most male students. He normally wears long sleeves under his blazer as well as a vest. He rolls up his sleeves to his elbows and takes his blazer off during the summer to cool off a little.
Out of school he wears a traditional gakuran from his old school without the cap, although in colder months he dons the gakuran cap also. On his feet he normally wears white tennis shoes, regardless of whether he is wearing his old uniform or not. If he is not wearing his uniform, usually he'll be wearing something colorful but plain like a red hoodie worn open with a plain white t-shirt underneath. If not wearing his uniform trousers he'll normally wear jeans.
#A more thorough description (optional) ;
#Personality ; He is shy and tends to speak very quietly to those around him, having not much confidence in himself. His people skills are also slightly inexperienced as he doesn't really know how to communicate with those who don't have the same interests as him, proven by his epic fail at writing his name on the board on his first day of school (see "A Warm Welcome" thread on the Another World section for more details) On stage, however, he becomes an entirely different person, projecting his voice and singing his heart out during plays and performances. This is a result of his involvement in performing arts clubs since he was in elementary school, which boosted his confidence in singing, dancing and acting. Yuki is also very smart, normally achieving grades that are above average, although he's not the best in the school. He secretly dreams of becoming a voice actor, although he hides this from his parents since he suspects that they want him to further his studies and develop his academic abilities, rather than pursue an "unrealistic" career.
#History ; As mentioned before, Yuki grew up in Tokyo with his parents, who spent most of their time at work. Yuki is an only child, which originally made him lonely until he found out about an after-school drama club run by his school and took up piano lessons with a local music teacher, who also taught him how to compose music. From then on he learned to have confidence in his abilities as a singer, actor and composer, although he doesn't write music very often. At times, Yuki chooses to stay home with his house cat, Mofu-kun. When his parents first told him he would be transferring to Hikarizaka high, he was initally surprised as he hadn't expected the move to actually happen. He was also sad about having to leave the friends he made behind but decided to have a positive outlook on things, instead deciding to focus on trying to make new friends.
The Roleplayer's Corner #Nickname ; Coolster981/Shiore, whichever you like. #Age (optional) ; Early Teens #Gender (optional) ; Male #Ever roleplayed before? ; Yes, but I've only ever roleplayed on skype so forum roleplay is new to me! Please forgive all my stupid mistakes... #Other Characters (if any) ; Shiore and Pie from a skype group/ chorus #Seen the anime/played the visual novel? ; No, I'm afraid... #How did you find us? ; Atena recommended me!
#Sample Writing ; As Yuki was about to enter through the gates, he paused; taking no notice of the students giving him curious looks. He assumed it was either because he was a new face in this community or because he had decided to stop in front of the school gates. Either way, it didn't really matter to him. After all, he had no reason to hurry; he still had 20 minutes until class would start. Knowing that the next step he took would officially mark the beginning of his new life in Hikarizaka, and that he would be leaving his life in Tokyo behind, he wanted to savor this first step as much as possible. Taking in a deep breath to steady his mixed emotions of excitement and nervousness, he began to walk. A sakura petal fell onto Yuki's briefcase, which he felt symbolized innocence and the start of a new beginning. Gingerly, he picked it up and held it in his fist against his chest as the reality of it all hit him. He was finally here; attending one of the best schools in the whole of Hikarizaka! He placed it in his blazer's chest pocket carefully, taking care to preserve its' beauty, and began the journey towards his classroom. 'And with this, my new life has officially begun!' He thought to himself and began to run towards the shining new future that awaited him, excited for what it would bring...
(For more examples of my writing, please see my Another World posts with Atena! The thread is called "A Warm Welcome".)
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Post by Okazaki Tomoya on Nov 23, 2015 15:13:17 GMT -6
Hey Shiore, thanks for applying.
To start out with I noticed a few minor, but easily fixable, mistakes and typos. Just to name a couple, It seems the "#Hair color and style ;" is not in bold when it should be and you have a sentence in your personality section that reads like this: "His This is a result", in which I believe you missed removing the "His". Usually it's a good idea to try and read through any post you make throughly one last time so you can catch these errors. It can even help improve your writing as you may find certain things don't sound quite right when reading through it, allowing you to fix or change it to sound even better.
So let's get to the actual application now. Your character's attributes all seem to be okay except for his clothing style. While attending classes he would need to be wearing the current school uniform and wouldn't be allowed to wear a uniform from a different school. If he'd like, he can wear a previous school's uniform outside of school instead but in school the teachers and staff just wouldn't allow him to be the only one wearing something different.
While I think your personality section is good, you might want to reconsider the bit about him skipping a grade. I suggest this for several reasons: 1. Being younger then everyone could pose problems for him. It might also put on a lot of pressure for him to make good grades to justify the grade skip. 2. Academics in Japan (and asian countries in general) are actually very competitive. If he is indeed highly intelligent it would make more sense to stay in his current grade and simply prepare ahead of time and learn what he needs to pass his exams coming up in the future. End of school exams can make or break a career/lifestyle so to take away from that time wouldn't be the best idea. 3. Hikarizaka is actually a school meant for more advanced students looking to go to college or further there career. It might be difficult for Yuki to keep up when he's competing with other competitive students as well. I'm not totally against the idea of him skipping a grade, but I think it would just introduce a lot of complications that might not be worth addressing.
On to the RP sample. I like what I see here but I also see room for improvement. I won't break down every small thing that could be improved upon, but will point out a few things I noticed that I may have done differently. For this line here:
I wonder why the students would be giving him cold looks. I interpret a cold look to either be a dead pan expression one would give in reaction to a really bad joke, or an angry, hateful expression one would give if they saw something they couldn't stand. In this case, Yuki is just standing in front of the gates. Perhaps the students would give him a curious look or simply glance over at what he's doing? However, as you stated, he is also 20 minutes early so it's entirely possible they ignore him all together. In this line
I read about the sakura petal but I'm being told what it symbolizes. Usually in literature the symbolization is left up to the reader, however this isn't necessarily a requirement. In this instance if I really wanted the reader to understand what this sakura petal symbolized, I would frame it in Yuki's mind. For example "Yuki felt the sakura petal symbolized innocence and the start of a new beginning". That might not be the best implementation for this situation, but it's a way to show the symbolism without simply stating that's what it is. This is to avoid any clash of interpretation between the reader and the writer. If Yuki feels the petal symbolizes something then nobody is wrong. This is later backed up when Yuki decides to keep the petal for himself, also recognizing the beauty of the moment.
So with all of that said, I don't think you need to change the RP sample for this App, and really just need the issues before that addressed. Do that and I will officially be able to accept you. Good luck!
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Hayashi Yuki
Inactive Character
Let's do this!
In-Character Posts: 15
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Post by Hayashi Yuki on Nov 24, 2015 14:03:00 GMT -6
Okay, so I tried following your advice and made a few changes: Yuki is now the same age as everyone else, he now wears the correct uniform and I edited some of the other pieces of information to make it all fit in. I also changed the rp sample a little bit with your advice in mind.
Is there anything else I need to do?
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Post by Okazaki Tomoya on Nov 25, 2015 1:09:01 GMT -6
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