First off, please use the coding for the templates provided. Makes everything look better. Second....I suggest you reread the requirements in the templates as well as look at all the approved profiles if you want to know what is expected of a profile. I'll also be glad to provide some of the formerly approved Tomoya profiles and my Tomoya Character Review on Livejournal ^_^.
1. Under the shorter sections [i.e. Type, Gender, Crushes, and the Controller's Information section] PLEASE write outside the bold tags. It looks messy otherwise. That includes the Sample RP; the entire thing should not be bolded.
2. Appearance - Since I'm rather picky about this, I think this can be better written. You don't describe his build any, his height, his hairstyle, hell, hardly anything. I mean, I get that he's kinda got a plain wardrobe, but you should be able to write at least two paragraphs. Also, the fact that he's got a bum shoulder should probably be included here as well.
3. Personality - You mention Sunohara, but you don't mention either of the Fujibayashi twins. I'd say he's pretty close to both twins, though more specifically Kyou, considering according to Japanese formalities he's on a first-name basis with her. You mention it briefly in the history, but there's nothing in the personality that indicates a level of relationship between them. As Kyou's player I've mostly just interpreted it that they're good friends (with Kyou, obviously, having a major crush on him as per canon xD). You also don't mention his prankster antics, either... Which are usually pulled on Sunohara.
Welp, that should be it for now. Good luck with your edits!
ALSO: I should point out, just because we take more than 2 or 3 hours to review you again doesn't mean you haven't met our standards. Whammy and I both have lives, and we're not always online 24/7 either. Please be patient and we'll get to it as soon as we are able. Thanks!
Appearance - Still needs his height and weight. If it doesn't have official values, give him something that makes sense.
Personality - I forgot to point this out before, but a lot of your personality is written in past-tense. Personalities are how a character is now, so they should be written in present-tense.
And... There was no double negative there. What I'm trying to say is that we aren't always going to re-review you within three hours, because we too have lives and other things we do during the day. When your application is up to our standards for the forum then we will post here saying so.
I should also note you really skimped out on the Kotomi section of his history. Even if he has "forgotten" it, please got into a little more detail about it.
I didn't want to steal the spotlight from our Kotomi's character app. But okay. Done.
Oh and I just saw your second post Kyou. I never really expected as much, I only say "done" to inform you that I'm ready for an update.
*Fixed the one paragraph where I delved into past tense. I can't find anywhere else where I had the same problem. *Added Height and Weight, it wasn't on the template so that's probably why I missed it.
Re: Okazaki Tomoya « Reply #11 on May 1, 2011, 9:17pm »
Please resize that image for your avatar. Automatic resize not working and we're picky on this sort of thing. 150x300=Max size.
Anyway, only last thing we have to say is that the history is kind of....disorganized. It has some issues with the flow of it, like just jumping from "Present day" to "Meeting the Fujibayashi twins". Also, we're far enough along he has met Nagisa and helping with the Drama Club so add that.
And on a minor note, last paragraph of the personality is still past-tense so just fix that real quick.
Re: Okazaki Tomoya « Reply #12 on May 2, 2011, 2:24am »
That confuses me a bit. I mean I know that the canon of the anime has Tomoya getting involved in the drama club very early, and then branching out to Fuko and Kotomi, but this also assumes he will end up with Nagisa. In the game he chooses from all the heroines, but if he's already so far gone that he is helping her make the club, then he's already on Nagisa's path, which means the only way for him to not get with her is if he were to lose interest in the entire thing(or in the game it would be the choice that says he's just having fun) which seems to go completely against his character. In short, I guess I'm asking how much has he helped her and if I should follow the canon of the anime, or the canon of the game (I do not intend to follow the game format for the role-play proper).
Re: Okazaki Tomoya « Reply #13 on May 2, 2011, 10:12am »
We don't follow anything canon as of yet. I think it's just generally that he met Nagisa, found out she wanted to establish the Drama Club, and is helping her do so. We haven't moved into any of the arcs with Tomoya and Nagisa because we haven't had a stable Tomoya for the longest time. As a result, most of our 'arcs' are being run originally [such as the Fuko arc, which is primarily involving Tomoyo and Kyou (as well as some help from Ryou, Kichiro Haru, and a few others) while Fuko is staying with the Fujibayashi twins]. There are no "paths", as we're running things more AU storyline-wise. Basically, he just knows Nagisa and is kind of friends with her. It doesn't necessarily guarantee he'll end up with Nagisa depending on how things go; with what's happened, actually, Kyou could be latching on to him (since the only thing stopping her was Ryou, and I believe it was established that Ryou's interests are now... neutral. So in other words, no-one. xD)
Re: Okazaki Tomoya « Reply #14 on May 2, 2011, 3:14pm »
Image re-size done.
I fixed one sentence with a past tense but the other two fit within the context of the sentence, one is talking about his contentment of the title of "delinquent", which presumably happened in the past, and the other one is talking about a theoretical situation in which he analyzed his life in the past, and the outcome of that analysis.
Everyone faces obstacles in life. Pain. Loneliness. Death. Nobody can truly escape from the trials and tribulations that life seems to hand us. For as much as people have the capacity to love... so too do they have the capacity to hate. To lose themselves in a never-ending tunnel so narrow and constricting that time only seems to squeeze harder and harder, overwhelming them completely and leaving them lost without hope of escape. It warps the their reality to the point where that tunnel becomes their whole world. It manipulates emotions. Changes goals. Skews the clear path they were walking when the world was not confined to a tunnel... and a truly happy ending no longer seems possible. They become lost.
But why? Why do people get lost? How do people allow these obstacles to stop them from appreciating and enjoying the beauty of life? What is it that causes some to be forever lost in a world of torment and confusion while others seems to surpass and exceed and continue growing and learning and... living? Are some of us simply born stronger? More resilient? With more emotional stability? Or perhaps... the answer is something different all together. Something we all seek. We all need. We all depend on that constantly gives us the strength and stability to live our life to the fullest. Perhaps the answer is simply...
"It's like climbing a mountain. I try to surmount it, but that mountain just keeps growing like a tree, the top is never within my reach, no matter how much I climb. I'm always on that steep, rocky surface, where I can barely stand. But all I can do is to keep climbing."
~Fuukami I. Iryna
Legend
InvisibleCharacters Involved: Densetsu Karu and Tomoyo Sakagami
Densetsu KaruPlayed by: Legend
Fuukami I. IrynaPlayed by: Akira
Iryna and ShouPlayed by: Akira and Nick
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